When in doubt, sit next to the voluptuous woman on the plane

As a mother, there are some moments that are just so sweet and so tender, you can’t help but want to capture them. Like this one…

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And then there are moments like this…

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And then there are the the moments that are just too good, TOO GOOD, not to get down somewhere (anywhere).

This was one of those moments..

Last year, I took my first solo plane trip with River to visit my grandmother over her birthday. Nan was sick, and it was really important to me that we got some good solid face time with her. Plus, I had some news I wanted to share. At the time, River was 9 months old, and I had just recently found out that I was pregnant (trust me, I had the same reaction you’re probably having right now) with our second baby (and yes, cue nausea ALL. THE. TIME.).

Clearly I was a new mom, and a “Hey! I’m flying with a baby!” newbee, because somehow I thought taking a flight-where we changed planes-was brilliant and a much better idea than simply a direct flight. I mean we could get a break, stretch our legs, grab some lunch…right..?

Wrong. So, so wrong.

So, River and I start the first leg of our journey together, and I’m nervous. River is adorable. He’s smiling at everyone we pass as we board the plane, but I’m panicked. I can literally read it on every passenger’s face as they avoid eye contact with me OR as they (the bold ones) simply stare deep into my eyes while telepathically conveying, “Don’t sit here. Please do NOT sit here.” But eventually I find my seat, I get River settled, I buckle my seatbelt, take a breath…and then she says it. The woman sitting across the aisle looks past me, directly at  River and says,

“Now you’re going to be a good boy this entire flight aren’t you!? And by good, I mean NO CRYING!”

I smiled and lightly laughed. I could have punched her in the throat. Yeah, no pressure lady, he’s only a 9 MONTH OLD. But River was a gem. He slept the whole way (so suck it  there you have it lady).

But let’s talk about part 2.

So we board the second plane. Same scene as before. River smiles, no one makes eye contact with me, but this time I’m more confident. He did GREAT on the last flight, and plus, this flight was way less crowded! We found our seat and sat down. River and I shared the aisle seat, NOBODY SAT IN THE MIDDLE SEAT (!), and then this gorgeous-and uhhhh…how do I say this…quite…ample-chested(?)…African American woman was in the window seat.

The flight takes off, and all of a sudden River starts to lose to it. Seriously, LOSES. HIS. MIND. I am frantically rummaging through my diaper bag for his bottle, or a toy, or one of those freeze-dried yogurt thingys, ANYTHING, and nothing is working. Before the seatbelt sign is turned off, I’m up. I don’t even care if it’s a safety hazard people, can’t you see I have a baby melting down on my now profusely sweating, nauseous self!? Passengers are starring, the flight attendant is giving me hell while calling me “Mam” (MAM!?) every other word, and I am on the verge of joining in with River and crying myself. But reluctantly I take my seat.

At that moment, the beautiful, voluptuous, (woman from heaven) leans over and says,

“Here mommy, let me take him.”

“What? Oh no, no, you’re so sweet. It’s ok. I’m ok.”

With a smile, “Hand him over.”

“Are you sure you don’t mind? No? Ok, THANK YOU.”

I hand River to this God-send and he instantly stops crying. For the first time all day, I finally feel like I can close my eyes for a second and just take a few deep breaths to get myself back on track, so I do it.

No more than three minutes pass when I hear….what is that?….sla-slapping?…giggling?…slapping and giggling?… River giggling?

I open one eye slowly at a time, and suddenly I. AM. MORTIFIED. River is playing the drums on top of this woman’s breast cleavage! And LAUGHING about it!

“OHHH MY GOODNESS! I am SO sorry! I am SO embar…”

And before I can even get the rest of my sentence out, River plunges his face right into said breast cleavage and begins to make the sound of a boat. My 9 month old son is MOTOR-BOATING this poor woman! I mean, OF COURSE he is!! I don’t have cleavage like that! I could have died. In fact, I was pretty sure I was dead at that moment.

“River! STOP! Oh my goodness, I am SO sorry!”

And with the biggest and most genuine smile she says, “Oh girl. It is O.K…. happens all the time with kids.” And she laughs.

At this point, we are about to start our decent, and I’m not kidding, if the pilot would have let me, I would have landed that plane myself just to make it happen faster. As the woman hands River back to me, he goes in to give her (what I thought) was one of those adorable, open-mouthed, I’m going to eat your face off, kind of kisses that babies give….but instead, pulls off one of her false eyelashes.

ONE OF HER FALSE EYE LASHES!

As it dangles there, I reach for my son. Look anywhere but her face. Buckle my seatbelt. Give him a (FREAKING) bottle.

And just pretend I do NOT notice.

As we land and begin to go our separate ways, River’s new girlfriend turns and shouts over her shoulder, “You take care of that adorable baby now, ya hear!”

“I will! and THANK YOU…again!”

And that was that.

In all seriousness though, I don’t think I would have made it through that flight without that woman. She was so lighthearted and willing to help. So, where ever you are my beautiful Black goddess, THANK YOU. Thank you so much for helping this mom through one of the most difficult and stressful flights I have ever been on. Thank you for loving on my baby….and for letting him love…on you.

I  will seriously (obviously) never forget you.

…or your cleavage.

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2 thoughts on “When in doubt, sit next to the voluptuous woman on the plane

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