I should be sleeping.
It is 1:06am, and TRUST me, I should be sleeping. But what am I doing? I’m wide awake listening to my 7 week old breath… and breath and breath….and I am watching Parenthood….and I am thinking deep thoughts; thoughts WAY too deep for [now] 1:08am.
These last [almost] two months have been hard, so SO hard. The demands of a newborn. The demands of a toddler. The demands of graduate school. The need for discipline….in a PLETHORA of areas of life…and if I’m honest (as I try to be) I have found myself feeling like I am drowning more often than I would like to admit. Neither of us (Robert nor I) are sleeping. And today we were at each other all day long. You know, those types of arguments that just snowball from the start of the day to the end of the day because you both are just. so. damn. exhausted. They aren’t really about anything [today: a sandwich…I wish I was kidding], and you don’t mean any of it, and at the end of the day you come back together and just laugh at how ridiculous you both have been. “I’m sorrys” are said, you kiss, and it’s done.
These are the moments that most people probably wouldn’t want to document…they aren’t particularly flattering, or pretty, or glorifying. Looking back over the day I was so stubborn, and short, and at times mean…and as weird as it sounds, that is precisely why I DO want to document them.
We lose focus…I lose focus…when I have days like today, or seasons like this season, when things are tough, and money is tight, and sleep is absent. But time is short……. man is it short. It’s SO short. And it goes by way too fast.
And I don’t want to miss the good because I am caught up in the hard. You know?
After the day Robert and I had; a day that I think both of us would gladly put to bed, I find myself asking, “Ok, where was the good? Find the good.”
Two moments stick out: funny enough one right at the very start of the day, and one right at the very end.
This morning Robert grabbed River, got him a bottle, and pulled him into bed while I was feeding Beau in hopes of us catching a few more Zzzz’s. Sandwiched between us, with his bottle in one hand, (Beau was in my lap) River, with his other little free hand, reached over and grabbed my hand and held it while I fed Beau. Just held it, and that was enough. Then tonight, much like this morning, Robert again grabbed a bottle for River and pulled him into bed while I fed Beau. As Robert read him a story before bedtime, again, there was River’s little hand reaching for mine to hold. When I think on that, focus on THAT, I realize that in the chaos of the hard, I have so much to be thankful for, and I can’t afford to waste that precious time I have been given being stubborn, or short, or mean to the ones I love most.
So dear future self,
Remember wasted time isn’t returned. When you find yourself losing focus, find the good. Where is the good? Plant your feet there.
Beau just woke up, so that’s my cue…