Like everyone, my heart is prone to wander.
If…I guess I should say when…I am not careful; when I forget that my heart must be guarded against most things that I let in, I quickly find myself growing dissatisfied. The dissatisfaction isn’t really pointed in any one direction, it’s more like this ugly beast that growls beneath my everything inside. I find it lurking in my thought life; in matters of my heart. It gnashes it’s teeth when I am doing housework, or making dinner, or dare I say while I mindlessly roam Instagram…or Facebook….or any other social media sites for that matter (but I mean, really, are there any others?)
I’d say it’s probably there that my beast’s bite hurts the worst. So many gorgeous photos. So many smiling faces. So many beautiful homes. So many friends gallivanting through Europe, or going to this party, or eating at this posh LA restaurant AT 9:00 AT NIGHT and drinking this new “all the rage” cocktail, etc. etc. etc.
Want to know what I did at 9:00 last night? I climbed into bed and watched an episode of Mountain Men while eating a chocolate Greek Yogurt popsicle before falling asleep and dreaming about my husband smoking cigarettes (?) Real Life.
For me, unfortunately, sometimes these patterns of thinking can’t just be corrected with a pep-talk to myself. “C’mon Brie, snap out of it, look at everything you have! You’re a champion! You’re a champion!” No, unfortunately for me, sometimes I need to step out of my everyday life, retreat away, and it is usually there that my heart is ripped open and (to my shame) I am exposed completely. It is in THAT place I realize just how incredibly, and UNBELIEVABLY, blessed I am; just how much I have to be thankful for, to praise God for!…and just how often I don’t.
This weekend we had the opportunity to retreat away to Breckenridge- just me, my husband, and our baby. It took no less than 20 minutes into the drive for me to realize how thankless I am sometimes. As we scaled the Colorado mountains and one pop of Fall color after another began to appear, I realized that THIS, this is what life is all about. God. God Himself, His creation, His gifts. HIM. I had this moment, actually a million moments over the course of the weekend, when everything seemed to slllllllllllow down, and it was as if I was removed from the said moment and looking in from the outside. I watched as my husband tickled our baby to the point of utter laughter, or our baby take wobbly steps from one corner of the room to the other just because he can now, or I would feel Robert’s hand on the small of back when he would guide me through the door of the coffee shop, just little tiny moments in time.
I mean GOLLY DAY, I expend so much energy in competition with false ideas and realities! Is this just a me thing, or do all women do this? I will see pictures of friends on facebook, or a well-crafted (edited and filtered) table shot of Laduree in Paris on Instagram, and actually think to myself “Did I take a wrong turn in life? I’m 28, should I be adventuring more? Maybe I should start a new career? How did they get to do that?”
It’s just shameful idolatry through and through.
We DO all do this, right? It’s not just me?
It shouldn’t have to take a trip to Breckenridge for me to realize what I should know every single day. My bounty is full, and my cup runith over. My heart, my needs, my real desires, they are already known. I wouldn’t trade my best friend, our baby, our life, our little moments, our home, our memories, my God, for a thousand million trips to Paris and beyond. But those whispers of “more…more…more” trap me from time to time. God forgive me for this wandering heart of mine; may You please continue to shape me and mold me until the day I breath my last. Thank you for You, for all You did, are doing, and have yet to do.
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.